


goodbye (vs farewell)

by whenshewrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Emotional Constipation, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt Dean Winchester, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29016981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whenshewrites/pseuds/whenshewrites
Summary: Dean had come to know every one of Castiel’s expressions. He hadn’t meant to, not really. That's what he told himself, at least. The ones when Cas was human— lost, confused, uncertain. The ones that were the angel from after they'd first met— the anger, the rage, the occasional hate. And then so much later— the hurt, happiness, and then the hope. Dean thought he’d seen them all before. He’d come to know them all before.But something about this was different.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	goodbye (vs farewell)

_"When Death and all his angels find you_

_Will you call out?_

_Will you cry out?"_

_-_

_Why does this feel like a goodbye?_

Dean had said goodbye so many times in his life, he thought he should know what it felt like by now. It didn’t always stick, which was a funny thing, but he knew what it was like to say goodbye all the same. One time, two times, three times— he knew.

Something about this was different.

Something about this was wrong.

“Cas,” he said, words shaking. “Why does this feel like a goodbye?”

Dean had come to know every one of Castiel’s expressions. He hadn’t meant to, not really. That's what he told himself, at least. The ones when Cas was human— lost, confused, uncertain. The ones that were the angel from after they'd first met— the anger, the rage, the occasional hate. And then so much later— the hurt, happiness, and then the _hope._ Dean thought he’d seen them all before. He’d come to know them all before.

But something about this was different.

“Cas—”

“Because,” Castiel said, a pained smile on his face. And it was something Dean felt like he should recognize. Because it struck him as so familiar, yet it was so _different._ “It is.”

_Goodbye._

Dean had come to know that word well. The pain of it, the sorrow. Enough that he’d learned how to steel himself against it all. Some people might have called it weakness, some people might have called it strength. But there were only so many times someone could say goodbye before the word lost its meaning. 

It was just an obstacle. Something Dean understood, hated, accepted, and… and…

Cas.

The man with the blue eyes. The angel with the broken wings. Standing in front of him with words on his tongue that didn’t seem like a goodbye. No, they seemed like a farewell. They seemed final. Something that was so different, so much sharper, it felt worse than getting stabbed. And Dean had been stabbed before.

_Why does this feel like a goodbye?_

If the road so far led to this, to the end of the line, then Dean didn’t want it. Sam would never call him an optimist. Dean would never call himself an optimist. But at the same time, there was this part of him that had never stopped hoping. From one thing to the next, from one goodbye to another, he’d never stopped hoping.

Because if goodbyes could just be another form of hello, then Dean could hope that one day, he’d be saying hello without the fear of it turning sour.

This was different.

_“Why does this feel like goodbye?”_

_“Because it is.”_

The look in dark blue eyes. The sorrow, the acceptance, the smile that didn’t make Dean feel any better, no matter how many times he’d seen Castiel smile. The angel's eyes were filled with tears now, and when was the last time he’d seen Castiel cry? Seen him smile? Not enough, not for the angel of the lord. Not for what Cas was, not for what he’d become. Not for what Dean saw every time he looked at the man.

“I love you,” Cas said, voice cracking. And for a moment, all Dean could do was stare.

If Sam had been here, he probably would have given up on Dean himself for being so utterly speechless. Bobby probably would have called him an ‘idjit’ and hit him over the back of the head. Except it was just him, it was just Cas, and Dean was nothing, was _everything,_ in the way that Castiel had always looked at him. Ever since they first met.

There was some part of him that said _no. No, don’t do this. Don’t do this,_ because if Cas did this, it just might end up being a farewell.

Dean couldn't take a farewell.

“Cas…”

Blue eyes, the faint look of adoration behind them, and how long had it been since Castiel had come into his life? Before then, Dean had been fine. He’d been fine, hadn’t he? Goodbye was just a goodbye, he could have gone his entire life without angels, trench coats, or the stupid way that Cas could look so insufferably soft and Dean might just lose his mind.

“Don’t do this.”

He could look at Cas and somehow, he couldn’t ever lie. If Castiel had shattered at those words, Dean might have been able to tell himself none of this was real. But the angel just smiled. Soft, careful, and understanding. As if this wasn’t a farewell. As if it was barely a goodbye.

There was the sound of hissing behind them and the spits of something black. Dean might have gone after whatever it was right then, but the feeling of a hand on his shoulder anchored him down.

Looking back, he met blue eyes, the softest of smiles, and a small, broken nod.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

And maybe there were other words on Dean's tongue. Something between _don’t do this, Cas,_ and _I love you too,_ that faded to nothing as Dean found himself staring. At the man of blue eyes, the angel of broken wings, and the profound bond that had for some reason been more to Dean than he could ever put into words. Especially now. 

The faint hissing, the sound of a door breaking down. 

Castiel had left the most human thing, the words _I love you_ lingering in the air, and then he was gone. He was gone, Dean was staring at nothing, and the silence was so overwhelming, he could barely breathe for a moment. 

He knew what it was like to say goodbye. He’d said it so many times, it was nothing but a repeat in his life now. Something that happened, something that sometimes came undone, and something that had eventually become the bitter taste of ash on his tongue when Dean said those words out loud.

_I love you too, Cas._

With the silence overwhelming and the emptiness of the room crashing down around him, Dean barely bit back a sob as he buried his face in his hands. All those words said, all those that had died on his tongue, and suddenly, he was alone. Just like years ago, just like before that damn angel had stepped into his life.

Just like when ‘goodbye’ had been something new.

 _Goodbye, Cas,_ he thought he could say. _I love you too,_ and he was so sorry. But the words never came, the silence continued to stay crushing.

And Dean did his best to hope that this time, goodbye was nothing like farewell. 

-

_"At the end of the line_

_There's no more time_

_And you're going alone_

_You can never come home_

_At the end of the line."_

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this months ago, hated it, edited it, finished SPN, and rewrote it again, so here we are. Aka, finishing spn was the worst decision I ever made, and here we are now XD
> 
> I apologize for everything, I've never gotten around to writing Destiel before


End file.
